Jokes & Funny Quotes

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male, facing each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared and said, "Since you've been exemplary statues and brought enjoyment to many people, I'm granting your greatest wish — the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

The statues came to life, smiled at each other, and ran toward some nearby woods. The angel listened to giggling, rustling bushes, and snapping twigs. After 15 minutes they emerged, satisfied and smiling.

"You still have 15 minutes," said the angel. "Would you like to continue?"

The male statue asked the female, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, she said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL crap on its head."

My wife came home and told me to take off her blouse. Then her skirt. Then told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

The Secretary of Defense is briefing the President on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the President. "That's terrible!" His staff is stunned. Finally, he looks up and asks: "How many is a brazillion?"

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "We'll learn as we go."

On their honeymoon, he climbed the 10-meter diving board and executed a flawless dive — two and a half tuck gainer, then three jackknife rotations. "I was an Olympic diving champion," he said.

She jumped in, swam 30 laps, climbed out barely winded. "Were you an Olympic swimmer?" "No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and worked both sides of the canal."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Q: Did you hear about the guy found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.

Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second-hand shop.

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: 'Cause he was dead!

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time: "Stay quiet!" An hour in, Joe hears Steve screaming.

"I kept quiet when the snake bit me, and when the fox attacked me," says Steve. "But when two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and one asked the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?' — I lost it."

Q: How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one-two-three-four!

Q: What did one earthquake say to the other?
A: "It's all your fault!"

A king hid his golden throne in the ceiling of his grass hut to avoid impressing a visiting friend. When his friend arrived, the ceiling gave way, and the throne fell on the king, killing him.

Moral: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

A man in greasy jeans and work boots approaches a headwaiter in an elegant restaurant: "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?"

"Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

A traveling salesman stays in a farmer's barn overnight. Next morning he says, "I talked to all your animals! The chickens say you collect eggs every morning at exactly 6:05. The horse says his name is Otis and you've had him 10 years. The cow's name is Elsie and you milk her at 8:30."

The farmer goes pale. "I also talked to the sheep."

"Those sheep are lying!"

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." — Mark Russell

"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun." — Al Capone

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." — Rita Rudner

"I don't have an English accent because this is what English sounds like when spoken properly." — James Carr

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch." — Orson Welles

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." — Emo Philips